Oh when I was growing up, if I had a
nickel for every time my mom told me (or my wife when she tried to knock sense
in to me), “stand/sit up straight,” “don’t slouch,” “speak up, I can’t hear
you,” or “be mindful of your tone (of voice).” I thought their “suggestions”
were intended to simply make me “behave myself.” I didn’t understand the
rationale behind their guidance. I took those lessons to heart. However, McKay,
Davis, and Fanning (2009) introduced an urgency to make sure I incorporate
these “non-verbal rules of the road” into how I convey who I am and how I
communicate. I must remain conscious of what/how I present, yet communicate
without being overly self-conscious of body language mechanics. I didn’t realize
the overwhelming influence non-verbal cues and vocals command for communicating
effectively. As I read the text, McKay,
Davis, and Fanning (2009), hit me between the eyes when they stressed poor body
posture and quiet demeanor/ voice convey submissiveness and lack of
self-confidence resulting in less impact to affect others or a situation. Even
how I stand during conversation (crossed arms and leaning away or turned)
“shouts” I’d rather be somewhere else. No wonder others may view me as socially
clumsy. I tend to speak loudly and am more confident when leading large groups/
audiences. I was at ease and animated while in front of my 300-person squadron
during monthly commander’s calls. I conveyed and my squadron returned interest
and excitement. However, I’m less vocal, more stand-offish, and less
confident/assured while participating in smaller groups, especially staff
meetings with senior officers…and I didn’t even realize it…until McKay, Davis,
and Fanning. My voice tends migrates to “flatness”; I’ve learned from past interactions,
emotions tend to override what I was say. I learned to consciously moderate my
volume to remove emotion and simply convey my verbal message. I didn’t want
people to know what I was thinking, so I used a flat tone to hide
intent/mindset. However, I had inadvertently conveyed disinterest and boredom
instead. I’d compromised my verbal message when I removed emotion.
Every Tuesday, I host a teleconference
with five organizations spread across the U.S. I’ve met some of the teleconference
participants only a couple of times, so we’re not overly familiar with each other.
However, I don’t vary my voice/tone when speaking during these meetings which
makes an already lackluster agenda even more so. I need to adjust my tone as
well as pace of my voice to become conversational as opposed to instructional.
Altering tempo and rhythm should draw my listeners into the discussion.
McKay, Davis, and Fanning (2007) opened
my eyes about a “hidden agenda”…I didn’t realize I clung to any. However, I
realize I use one that has been detrimental to my effectively communicating
with colleagues. With the high number of commitments and activities I balance,
it’s easy to understand how I’ve donned an “I’m Tough” agenda. McKay, Davis,
and Fanning described this hidden agenda as a workaholic who voluntarily carries
an overbearing work load. The offender’s goal is to show how much harder/longer
(s)he works than anyone else. The offender seeks relief from criticisms and
requests via this behavior. The “tough guy” may not realize (s)he is simply
trying to avoid hurt and protect his/her self-esteem. Behind the “I’m Tough”
exterior is a person concerned about rejection and insecurity. Unfortunately, I
see many of these “tough guy” qualities in my behavior and outlook. My “To Do”
list is way too long…there’s never enough time in the day... there’s always one
more thing to do…or don’t ask me to volunteer because I’m too busy with my own
concerns. I know I should invest more time in helping others, being with my
family, or socializing with colleagues, but I find myself checking off my
“things to do,” rather than catch a breather to engage with others. Just one
(of many) example: on Nov 12, 2013 in Hampton Roads, (VA) my wife and I both
enjoyed a rare “day off.” My son was at school and the weather was a balmy 67,
with a cold front on the way for the afternoon. Most husbands would have jumped
at the chance to take their wife on a day trip to just “get away” for a little
bit for “catch-up” time. Maybe a movie and lunch or even a trip to the
beach…whatever, even just a few hours. What did this “knuckle-head” do? Shared
a breakfast date at Panera Bread with my bride and then returned home to start
my homework and do five hours of yard work. Or at work, when my office sponsors
an in-office breakfast, I tend to eat fast and go right back to work (as
opposed to socialize) because there’s so much I have to get done. I’ve searched
for the “Holy Grail” on how to “fix” this problem. To take a bit more time to
interact socially with family, friends, colleagues, etc. On pg. 88, McKay,
Davis, and Fanning recommend the “tough guy” takes time to take care of
him/herself and relax. Although, I’m better than I have been, I’m not “there”
yet. It’s a struggle every day because I’ve become “comfortable” in my stressed
pursuit for security and acceptance.
Reference
McKay, M., Davis, M., & Fanning, P.
(2009). Messages: The communication
skills book.
Oakland,CA:
New Harbinger Publications, Inc.
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